please let me pretend just a little bit longer
I have worked very hard on maintaining my youthful hope and innocence. With determination and effort one can slow the inevitable erosion. While cynicism and compromise are necessary for practical and philosophical reasons, being permanently stuck in those states is something that strikes me as terribly sad.

This makes the state of America especially heartbreaking. Things been screwed up in ways beyond what I ever imagined was possible — in both scale and diversity. Worse than that, massive objections to major, obvious, and preventable fuckups did not stop those in power from proceeding anyway. And I have used my hope and idealism as fuel to keep voting and conversing with others and voicing my opinion to those in power. It feels that this, too, has had all the impact of pissing in the sea.

I feel so incredibly powerless right now, especially politically, at a time when my vote is actually weighted due to an alignment of statistical improbability and timing. For the only time in my life, registered as a Democratic voter in Wyoming in a system that still uses caucuses and an Electoral College, my opinion on the Presidential election counts. Things are that close and all the things aligned precisely enough. And it's terrible. Because, while maybe the media and the candidates are listening for these few days, in the end the caucus is non-binding and so whatever I say can be ignored anyway. And in the winner-takes-all electoral system Wyoming is overwhelmingly Republican. Meaning that the one time my opinion makes a whit of difference in a Presidential election, it's just a suggestion and even crueler because that tantalizing idea of having my vote, for once, have equivalent value to someone's vote in Iowa or Florida or Ohio . . .

I want so much to believe that an individual has power in a vote, but that only works if lots of people take the time, thought, and effort to make their vote as well. It also depends on the system not being rigged and bizarrely complex.

I want so much to use this idealism and hope to make life better for more people than just me. Taking care of oneself is survival. Taking care of oneself and helping others do the same for themselves . . . creating something positive that goes beyond replacing what one has consumed . . . this is something I find great value in. I am so lucky to have what I have in my life, and I am so grateful and so sad because things are still hard and others don't have what I have been lucky enough to receive. And I think that government exists to serve the needs of its people, and being involved in politics will help it more effectively meet the needs of myself and others.

And every time since I have been able to vote that I have hoped and tried and participated

and cared

it breaks my heart again.