Current location:	Jackson, MN
Current mood:	exhausted
Entry tags:	death, family, grandma, hope, mom

counseling for the not dying
My grandmother had a stroke last Sunday afternoon. Afterwards she's had mini-stroke aftershocks called "TIA"s [I keep thinking "thanks in advance"]. We left Laramie for Jackson, Minnesota that Monday, got to Columbus, Nebraska and then stopped at a auto place because the power steering had gone out on my mom's car. It was fixed at about 11 am on Tuesday and we got to the hospital in Jackson that afternoon.

Thursday Grandma was diagnosed with a bladder infection, which affected her health and mood significantly. Once her antibiotics started working and the infection started to retreat, she was more mentally and emotionally together.

The stroke/TIAs affected her vocabulary, so communication with her is an interesting experience. We can tell that she knows what she is talking about and is not confused about what she is saying or who any of us are. However, the words come out pretty jumbled sometimes, so it takes patience and time to decode what she is saying. Friday she started telling Mom (Diane) and my aunt Carolyn that they were good kids. Then she proceeded to tell stories about the times that her three daughters were troublesome. She started with the time that Marion, the oldest, climbed to the top of the windmill (she was two, Grandma was pregnant with Mom and Carolyn was still a baby) and an incident when the three of them ruined a 25 pound sack of sugar. We were all laughing in her room that morning after hearing those stories.

Grandma's condition varies based on the time of day and how tired she is. When my cousins and their children, Bennett and Cate, came down to visit on Saturday and Sunday morning, Grandma was in high spirits but pretty exhausted after our short visits in the hospital. She was especially happy to see Bennett and Cate. Bennett was especially kind and sweet, making sure to give Grandma several hugs and letting her know that he loves her. My uncle Roger let them pick flowers from his garden to give to her, and those flowers and some irises Roger cut earlier have brought her much joy. She has also enjoyed the cards people have sent, asking us to bring her magnifying glass so she could see them more clearly. We have also relayed all or your kind thoughts and wishes to her, and she is grateful and glad to hear of them.

Grandma has not felt like eating much. She is not refusing to eat, she just has trouble swallowing — saying that something is wrong with her innards that makes it painful to swallow and also makes her afraid of stomach upset. She tries to eat as much as she can, saying that the nurses are so nice and the food is good, but she can't eat as much as she is given.

My mom and aunt are sort of pessimists, so they have been certain several times that my Grandmother has said she wants to die and is trying to starve herself to death. I don't believe either is true. Grandma has said that she wishes that she had died quickly rather than having deteriorating health, but she is the type who just deals with what she is given with the resources that she has. While she was confused from the infection she was pretty pessimistic, but since then she has her same demeanor, mood, and sense of humor that has been her normal state as long as I've known her. My mom and aunt are very stressed out right now, though, and understandably so. I just wish they wouldn't stress themselves out more on top of this already tough situation.

Grandma has repeated many times that she has lived a long and wonderful life and that she feels especially lucky to have been able to know her great-grandchildren, Cate and Bennett. It moves me to tears (with a smile) when she says these things. Thursday evening Grandma asked me to find a poem to read to her. With Google's help we finally found the right quote. She told me it helped her when I read it to her. I think it's beautiful.

Look to this day!
For it is life, the very life of life,
In its brief course
Lie all the verities and realities of your existence
The bliss of growth
The glory of action
The splendor of beauty.

For yesterday is but a dream
And tomorrow is only a vision,
But today well lived makes every yesterday
A dream of happiness
And every tomorrow a vision of hope.

Look well, therefore, to this day!
Such is the salutation of the dawn.
— Kālidāsa, “Salutation to the Dawn”